But he SHOULD want to be involved in his childs life. We have been broken up for a few months but have remained friends and in contact. Fine. Then how does the woman get off require the man to do it? We judge people all the time where our judgment has absolutely no effect on the outcome, we arent participants in the issue and no one gives a crap what we think. You know, I was thinking about that, too. It was a vague post on my part Made even more confusing by the fact that _jsw_ was posting at roughly the same time and then his posted first. I think the overwhelming majority of adoptive parents are good, caring, nurturing parents. In the current system he has the option to opt out any time prior to conception. She doesnt tell the waiter that she has a peanut allergy, because she assumes that simply ordering a dish without peanuts in it will protect her. . Why you waste any time belly aching about how unfair it is, is beyond me. If this is the case then your friend is in the clear because he has no legal responsibility any more. If you want to hold this poor man responsible for some child some women decided to create, thats just mean and patriarchal crap. So, Chuck, despite the fact that no one is denying the fact that there are some people out there trying to game the system, Chuck, the fact that shes pregnant is equally their responsibility. You know, I dont have much patience this morning,. P.S. Girls dropped the single "So Typically Now" way back in July of last year, it was clear Meg Remy's next outing would continue the wild ride kicked off when . You deserve better than that (and ditto what everyone else has said your beef is with your scumbag boyfriend, not the other girl or the baby). Thats what youre always nattering about. For me, the joy of the act is not actually giving it, but the enjoyment your partner gets. A pregnancy, especially an unplanned one with no real relationship behind it is not a reason to stay together. Unless Im sure the guy will make it worth my while, Im not going to do it. IMO there are probably better ways to deal w/ the more egregious incidents of paternity fraud. Again, this implies that a pregnancy must lead irrevocably to a child. No. I don't know my place anymore because he doesn't want to tell her we're back together. This poor unborn child who I feel very, very sorry for already, is not the problem. Aside from social media stalking, many ex-couples continue to actually communicatetrying to stay friends. evanscr05 Also, he seems willing to abide by the laws. Commenters on most websites just depress me I dont bother reading them anymore. You are in a relationship where you are the one responsible for everything. Yes, it would be nice if he were eager to become a parent. He sounds a bit flakey. While I stand by my statements about this woman being a total idiot, etc., and the fact that I dont think anyone was calling him scum for having sex with someone after he broke up with his girlfriend, I will say that I agree with the idea that its unfair for guys that they have no say in keeping or aborting but will be on the hook for child support even if they wanted the mother to have an abortion. Even if she was taking it appropriately (same time every day, no antibiotics interfering, etc), it still isnt 100% effective. It hurts me that he will have to go through his first child experience with someone else while I watch. Sorry for any confusion! I dont know what he told her within those two minutes but obviously it worked cause now yeah. In the future, if I should ever have the desire to date again I would use condoms in addition to birth control to make sure I dont get diseases. Furthest from the vagina, just saying. lets_be_honest You want to work on your social skills. Given the particularities and context of any particular situation, there is a lot of unfairness to go around. reader, Laura1318+, writes (25 January 2008): A And she was all, Um, yeah, those arent always 100 percent effective. And he was like, THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE BOX!!!! We were together for 2 1/2 years, lived together, got a dog together, talked about mar. The fact that you just knew your boyfriend got another girl pregnant before you start dating him shows that both of you is lacking a good communication way. You said it better, but I jumped back in before seeing your replies. But for someone more causal, that isnt really there as much. He could be the a killer robot. Aim for the face. evanscr05 But theres a huge amount of anger here over the fact that he didnt, even though theres no statement by the LW either way. I cant tell you how many children have grown up thinking something was wrong with THEM because they had a parent who didnt want them. Step away slowly. or if shes just done too many drugs or something and her brain is rotting away. Probably a creationist, from what you know about biological science. This is why homosexual couples have to adopt. Its not JUST about your ex-boyfriend, LW. So again I think you are making it seem like he treated her like a human being, and talked about this rationally, but really, he was pissed at her for having his baby, threw some money at her, and told her to never come back again. However, I dont think it sounds like hes ready or willing to settle down with either woman. And its not because either sex is evil or worse than the other. bittergaymark Privacy Policy. If your ex moved on before you did, you might feel as if they won or wonder why you didn't find someone else . Considering the fact that I know far more gay guys having sex (and lots more of it, with more partners, too) than I do straight people and I can honestly say none of my good gay friends have ever magically come down with HIV, yet I can name 8 people who against all odd just happened get themselves or their lovers knocked up Seriously. And you dont sound much better. If your dead-beat ex wants know part that is HIS decision. How fast his new relationship is moving. But, in that case as well I would have told the woman to make sure in the future she better protected herself. Why he would be furious with anyone other than himself is beyond me. His? Its not the situation, but the way its written. No. At least with adopted children, they usually have one or two great parents who can explain, in a way that doesnt hurt them or damage their self-worth, why they were put up for adoption. honeybeenicki Turns out it wasnt even his kid (thats another story), but she showed up at his work, called him repeatedly in the middle of the night, and physically assaulted his friends girlfriend in a parking lot. evanscr05 reader, marissa0916+, writes (26 August 2015): A I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? We got back together but he dragged her along through texts for a week until I found out. After a breakup, Bird said, some people just need "an emotional cutoff and want to remove all evidence of their ex from their life.". Also, when you call people honey constantly or tell them to go read a lawbook(?) Anthony Leonson Um please feel free to disregard teh account representative, that may have been for something else haha. Unwanted or not, they are innocent in this whole mess that your boyfriend and his whatever-she-is created. April 10, 2012, 10:24 am. Painted_lady April 10, 2012, 4:35 pm. I would suggest that the man under discussion would not be sponge-worthy. April 10, 2012, 9:47 am. Obviously, NEITHER man is responsible for the child the woman wanted it, she grew it. when i was single i acted as if the other people i was involved with werent thinking about it. Ive been silent on this website a while, and by and large tend to agree with most of what is said, but I could not sit quiet as people suggested to a) force this man into parenthood, and b) suggest that this woman is incapable of being a single mother. April 9, 2012, 12:13 pm. Where exactly do you live? Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of . He gets a girl pregnant and then tells her to get rid of it because its an inconvenience for him to have to deal with it? What is he supposed to do to prove hes not scum? He should have taken more precautions. Though Ill grant you one concession: Not having this man in a childs life might be a blessing in disguise. I have two young sons I dearly hope neither of them ever come across a woman as conniving as you appear to be. Ever since U.S. because it is the womans responsibility to take her pill on time, etc if thats the type of birth control shes chosen. That is not her fault. A Happy Life She goes to a restaurant and orders a meal that doesnt explicitly say that it has peanuts in it, but the restaurant has several other dishes that have peanuts in it. I dont agree with it, but the beauty of being an American is we both get to have our views. 1. The pregnancy pulled you back from the brink. Taking no personality responsibility whatsoever and then whining about the consequences? On the other hand, once Im in a committed and loving relationship, I like giving blow jobs, even though I dont have any physical satisfaction from it. Cried my eyeballs out evry nite. Plenty dont. First, abandoned is a bit misleading, since (a) we dont know that theyd broken up before or after she discovered she was pregnant and (b) hes agreed to pay for the child. His girlfriend got pregnant, they got engaged, realized they didnt work as a couple, they decided it was in the best interest of the child if he was not a part of her life in any way, shape, or form, and so he signed some legal documents waiving all parental rights to the child, which absolved him of any responsibility to provide child support. I wouldnt advocate using the pull-out method alone, but if some stranger says Its cool, Im on the Pill and you dont *quite* believe her and you dont have a condom, I guess it wouldnt hurt. They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, clickHERE! No, he could be furious at the legal system that compelled it or at the woman (who, by the way, was equally culpable in the creation) who opts to continue with a child only she wants.. By your logic, its just as much the waiters fault for not making sure the kitchen used different gloves when she didnt bother to tell him just how severe her allergy was. female I chose to have a baby. It amazes me how people can say things like That whore slept with my boyfriend! and keep a straight face. I dont feel like his decision to not be involved in his biological childs life makes him an immature asshole. April 9, 2012, 5:24 pm, The mention of being logical for some reason made me think of the whole idea of true abandonment. Or is it Dear Wendy gender wars where the men stick together to excuse bad behavior of men while the women cry foul? And Im also not passing judgements on him based on my preconceived notions about how the conversations went down. Hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated.. Men dont pay child support during gestation only when there is an actually living child is in the world that has physical needs. In a feature I call Your Turn, in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, Im presenting the following letter without commentary from me: I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. So, she went out, hooked up with someone she knew briefly (which a lot of people do) and accidently got pregnant. Life had another plan, and be glad you get to see who he is and how you dodged the bullet. More like: her: what do you want to do about it? Drugs was just one theory to how she got that way. Well get our hands off your uterus when you get your hands off our wallets. Steve Kellmeyer Because thats really not that old. Any complications from the abortion would be hers to bear, not his. Continuing along the lines of what John Rohan said above (maybe way above, because Im at work and my reply will take some time to type surreptitiously): The LW and the guy broke up. 2023 ESSENCE Communications Inc. All Rights Reserved. But I dont see anything in the letter that means he must be. but all those prominent male politicians usually turn out to be gay and not hetero at all.. bittergaymark The LW said that he is furious that shes keeping the baby. However, hey, feel free to pretend its still 2000 BC. 3) A parent leaving their child with the other parent, especially one they barely know, isnt the same as putting a child up for adoption. female They look at it as their child, no matter who the mother is. John Rohan Lets start a familyyou know, if the condom doesnt work. Is the same thing going through a womans mind when she decides to have sex? Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? I dont know. P.S. Doesnt have to be romantically involved with this woman, but he wants nothing to do with the child that he helped to create, or the woman he cant stand. You want to be a slave to a prick like him? No, thats the kids money. Its a great idea, really, for someone who is unfit and probably on the verge of abuse or something else horrible. You pack of hypocrites. That way you will know things like what you both agree to do if she gets preggers, and how soon you jettison him if he goes and has sex with someone else ad knocks her up. lets_be_honest I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that.. 1. I agree Savannah. Knock it off. LW, why in the hell would you want to get with this guy right now? I dont think the LW can handle a relationship where another woman has her mans child. Rachelgrace53 Yep. I think that one should be able to decide if one is ready to be a parent and, if not, make that clear when there is time to abort the pregnancy. ReginaRey Quit trying to dig into other peoples wallets to subsidize your lifestyle choices. I cried and felt so depressed. If he was the kinda guy that decided he wanted to be in his childs life every 5 years when it was convenient and made promises that he never kept and lost interest after a while, that would be seriously damaging to that childs sense of self-worth. Its fucking simple. How many times have we read articles like that and think to ourselves couldnt you have just left the baby with family or at the hospital rather than kill it.. You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. I actually work in a field that deals with this, and let me tell you, the women who are actually applying for court ordered child support will be lucky to get $400 a month. Its not anyones fault, theres no one to blame. I didnt mean to imply it wasnt true, it just unfortunately isnt enforceable. Ill bet if LW gets pregnant, this guy is gone just about instantly. Most guys will not pass up good sex and they . Like most men are running around handing out free money to them without them having to fight for it. And now onto you, ummmm you say he cant bare to be without you and never loved anyone as much as he loves you.well his actions sure say otherwise. female For all you know she could be 35 and realize that this may be her one chance to have a baby. Only it is the LW who seems intent on absolving the boyfriend from all responsibility saying furious. And you wonder why people accuse the threads of being hostile toward males? The way I figure, he can go ahead and have unprotected sex all he wants but I still maintain its a bad idea. Parasites are all the same. Its easier just to blame her and act like hes an innocent victim, but hes not. But if YOU really are so fucked up and so pathetic that you want to build a life with a man who for intents are purposes wants to simply abandon his own child have at it. Steve Kellmeyer Reframed to show the low quality of the comparison: Would you like an abortion? = Would you like fries with that? > OK! (And a hint- if your boyfriend is as much of a mess as this letter makes him seem, its not- no matter how much of a mess you are). Stop this back and forth with him. A mans legal obligation to support his children is not some well hidden secret and nowhere is it mentioned that hes being asked for anything more. I love the argument that the women receiving child support are just sipping margaritas all day while getting mani/pedis on this income. Dont engage in the action. Both parties should be concerned about birth control. im just annoyed that so many people (at least many of the LWs here) act as if birth control or std prevention isnt something they need to worry about. Its not a crime to have unprotected sex, dangerous and irresponsible, but not a crime. 2. My man (were not engaged anymore) begged to see his kids, and they met up and talked. Im not a lawyer, or in any way familiar with the law about these things, so my assumption is based on what a friend told me first hand about his experience. But she can also at any time change her mind and he has no recourse. She looked enough to bang, though, huh? Im a guy, and I think that the BF is a loser scum bag. So go control them all you please. They had just gotten back together after finding out she was pregnant. Steve Kellmeyer I dont know how Im going to feel about this baby malarky. The you made your choice when you had sex argument goes both ways. It says there is no child at conception. I just personally get outraged that this is the case: that he would have to pay support regardless, but that she can opt out of it. At this point, she doesnt even know for certain that the woman is pregnant or that its his child. She and Jimmy were going to raise their children together. So the system is very one sided. Sure. Fine, Ill support you in raising the child, but Im not prepared to be a dad. Yes, it is the less than desirable course to take but he is, in a way, owning up to his responsibility (monetarily). Theyre eating each other alive, and theyre doing it up hill both ways, in three feet of snow, with no shoes on! landygirl Stuff like this really grinds my gears. As a woman, I have to take responsibility that any man I have sex with may very well walk away from me never to be heard from again leaving me with a child to raise alone. Given that fact base, why wouldnt a woman who wanted a baby (but not a husband) entrap a suitable donor? Oh, and of course, hes also called a dick, and ass, and other choice names. Even people who do want to have one often suffer from some kind of depression or at least sadness. Absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. But it is probably fair to say I hate the over-the-top modern feminism you appear to espouse. Jimmy and Susie are in love. And while not using a condom might not be the end all be all of crazy mistakes, he should have known better. slept with someone else. So, this man had sex with a women while he was unattached and not under any commitment, and that makes him scum? He knew it but was willing to take that risk just like any man does when they engage in sex with a woman. April 9, 2012, 11:54 am. Dont ever sleep with someone mean or stupid, because if you get pregnant, youre going to be tied to that person for the rest of your childs life. And I was like, Ewww, Mom, thats gross! But it was great advice, and Ive always followed it. If he cant afford the child support, get away from him as he will be an emotional and financial drain. This is when we see rebound relationships. Thanks for listening to me. Fyrebyrd2 My only real advice is along the lines with what the other posters have already said. This LW really doesnt get a say in the matter, true, but if I were her Id take one look at the boyfriends actions and attitudes and dump him. Dr. Sherry, My fianc cheated, we broke up but then got back together. My hand has never been comfortable in cooler weather ever since.. At a minimum LW needs to take a wait and see attitude. Its one thing that he says he will pay for it (Im assuming this means child support), but a true father doesnt just look at this as a once a month payment for 18 years. And seriously what is with people having sex with people they cant stand clearly you could stand them long enough to bang them. Whatever the case, youre not adding to the discussion. We all know that going in. it will be her due by July or Aug. well, The reason why I asked you about your opinion because it's really hard for me to make a decision to leave her behide her pregnant on her own. All we know is that he will be paying for it but wants nothing to do with it. iseeshiny Weeks. lets_be_honest But if its not, ITA with Amanda, LW. bittergaymark She provided the other half of the set, the construction site, the construction materials, she built the child. Comparing your own experience to other people's. If you and your partner don't feel like you're getting the love you deserve, one of you could cheat. Translation: men should think before they poke but women can do whatever they damn well please. Im not saying this guy is wonderful by any means. depressed, got back together, money. I showed up late to the hot debate in the comments (damn you work lol), but to put this in perspective for me, I was born to relatively young parents and now at 25, my dad is a few years older then this gem of a man in this letter. I think shes nothing but a little scroat. April 10, 2012, 7:00 pm, If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her.. I wish there was some way he could have prevented himself from ejaculating into a woman if only there was some way he could have arranged that some way for him to have control over his reproductive material or the choice of woman or the choice to ejaculate at all if only the poor man no choice in the matter AT ALL Its still good advice if the letter his fake, actually, since there certainly are people in this situation. It would have been way happier if its bottles didnt explode. Understand that he will not leave her for you. Every woman who has given a child up for adoption is, in your mind, an immature asshole. So, in your opinion, anyone who has sex without wanting to get pregnant is an idiot?. Hed be out the door on you as well. But woman, grow the hell up. Dump this creep. However, an absent father does not always result in an emotionally crippled child. And aborting a pregnancy is also something that is a very difficult thing for many women. Ever look at the clock in your car to check the time while driving (or the radio to change channels, or a billboard)? Cookie Notice So of course the events are filtered through that lens. Not with hormonal BC, not with 2 methods of BC, not when one of the individuals has been sterilized. So what? All that does is make 3 people miserable (both parents plus the child). Flexxie And maybe she is a harlot of sorts. And realize that when you have sex, you could very well get someone pregnant. Relax. Anytime you have sex, theres a chance you could get pregnant, no matter how careful you are. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt. April 10, 2012, 6:52 pm. I think this man, regardless his quality of character in other situations, demonstrates good foresight in deciding that no, hes not ready to be a father. ha, Ive done too many drugs too. However, its your choice whether or not to get back together with him. For the woman to turn around after the fact and say, Whups, knocked up! He ejaculates thats it. Nor is there any guarantee that the woman who tells you that she doesnt want to have a baby wont change her mind when faced with that decision. Having legal custody doesnt guarantee you or prevent you from paying support. April 9, 2012, 12:23 pm. Consider the consequences or dont. If it is hers you bet she supports it. Hes scum all around in my book. And for some reason people always seem to have the idea that it wont happen to them. Hes made a choice. April 9, 2012, 3:44 pm. She cant afford a child on her own. We started dateing again and have been for about 3 months and we have plans to save money and get an apartment. Thats true, but by the same token, wait a bit (a few days or at least a full conversation) to see if you can get along with someone on a basic level before jumping into bed with them. The scapegoats arent really the point- women, minorities, the government, poor people, rich people- it doesnt really matter. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Yes everyone went bonkers. As we established earlier, men dont really have the option to walk out on a fetus, because the fetus doesnt need anything from them yet (although certainly dads-to-be provide a lot of support to moms-to-be in most cases). Especially since, had he been the woman and felt the same way, he would have quietly aborted the child without inviting half the scorn hes received here. Once you decide to have sex you are basically saying that you realize pregnancy is a possibility. female Unless youve been there, you dont know. . Because guess what? Women are more easily able to get custody? Its not the mans moral fault that he didnt think he would be roped into parenthood by a singular sexual encounter when he was told she was on the Pill. Just a suggestion for your scumbag boyfriend. John Rohan Consider that this child should be the most important thing in his life, more important than you. Because she accidentally got pregnant with his child? I think he was just really scared, and alot had changed in a really short matter of time. evanscr05 Its Gone Downhill. iseeshiny I think, Chuck, what she meant was that no one is forcing these men to impregnate strangers. If youre going to call anyone a slut, Chuck (which you shouldnt, its really very rude) why not the dude who slept with someone he cant stand and got her pregnant? Steve- The law doesnt say theres no child at conception. female Well be together forever no matter what. is thrown around just to get in some dumb girls pants just as often as I wont get pregnant. is thrown around to trap ignorant dumbasses. Sigh. Nothing. So society got together and decided that the biological parents owe a duty of monetary support to children the create. John Rohan Now I also believe that the LW is exposing herself to STDs not this guy, because she knows that he had unprotected sex with another women, and she still chooses to be with him either way. I know you may not have that much faith in women based on your comments (here and on previous posts) but just look at what the women on this page have written. You wouldnt need to administer it. That pretty much sums it up for me. So, therefore, Im not so sure what you are finding so hard to get over about him, and why do you let him keep coming back into your life? We've joined the BHM Digital family of websites and have updated our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. April 10, 2012, 7:21 pm. So, let it be over. He sounds like a conceited, arrogant, narcissistic a-hole. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. It was unplanned and a . Two are very small, less than six months. Landygirl, I think we should stop feeding the trolls. We only have sex if were ready to be a father? Then the day we got back from this amazing vacation, he broke up with me through email! Hes obligated to financially support the baby, which he is willing to do. These people are the REAL zombies.. landygirl i completely agree, it is both parties responsibilities to make sure they are preventing pregnancy AND stds. April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. She asked what to do with this guy. And should. 1. Stop going backwards. Although I cant decide if shes purely a straight-up C.U.N.T. The last 15 girlfriend jokes It's bro's before hoes, not bro's over your girlfriend. It is never the unborn childs fault. I dont usually ever think letters are fake, but this one MIGHT be fake. Hes an idiot either way. Thats why I kind of went to the extreme with the whole Threw some money thing. Run. Yet when it came to her most recent boyfriend, John . Again, youre defending this guys right to have sex and that is absurd to me. Sorry for the crass language. I honestly dont believe any of this will ever be an issue for you. Thats true Yankee vernacular. Again, this implies that a pregnancy must lead irrevocably to a child. The problem is not the other woman, the problem is your man and how you are responding to everything. I dont know how you can defend it. At this point, its an easy thing to resolve this without decades of support and animosity. But, it would have reduced the chances. She loved him back then but broke up with him over this but went back to him 20 years later thinking he grew up.2016. Hes probably the worlds most prolific internet commenter. SweetsAndBeats She trapped him? It's like she's a completely different person. Fyrebyrd2 We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. That support is not hers. He cant force her to get an abortion, and she cant force him to be in the kids life. I never grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because my biological father wasnt ready or willing to be a father to me. Yea, it does sound even more ridiculous today. Thats precisely the incentive structure feminism (and the paternity laws that followed) have created. Heres how I interpreted it. Chuck Pelto Men should be held at least halfway responsible for the resulting pregnancy and child but should have no authority to decide upon his involvement. Pardon me, butare you fucking KIDDING me?! Plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. Picture Perfect Poster Girl: Taylour Paige Stars As "Boogie's" Leading Lady, UPDATE: Jesseca Dupart Denies That LisaRaye Found Out About Da Brat's Pregnancy Via Social Media, Your Weekly Helping Of Tidday Meats & Treats On The Gram, Cougar Chronicles! him: I would prefer if you had an abortion. female The fact that you are even considering getting back with this guy right now blows my mind. But that doesnt change the fact that these people are eating each other alive. And hopefully people begin to realize that just taking the pill isnt an absolute gurantee that you wont make a baby.
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