I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Now he wont come when I call him. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. ._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN{margin:0;padding:0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;margin:8px 0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ.QgBK4ECuqpeR2umRjYcP2{opacity:.4}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label svg{fill:currentColor;height:20px;margin-right:4px;width:20px;-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_ svg{display:inline-block;height:12px;width:12px}._2b2iJtPCDQ6eKanYDf3Jho{-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{padding:0 12px}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:12px;letter-spacing:unset;line-height:16px;text-transform:unset;--textColor:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80);font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;color:var(--textColor);fill:var(--textColor);opacity:1}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F._2UlgIO1LIFVpT30ItAtPfb{--textColor:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:active,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:hover{color:var(--textColorHover);fill:var(--textColorHover)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:disabled,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[data-disabled],._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[disabled]{opacity:.5;cursor:not-allowed}._3a4fkgD25f5G-b0Y8wVIBe{margin-right:8px} All Im saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too., 44. You Couldn't Handle Me Even If I Came With Instructions - Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug . Well! responds the friend. A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross!, I said, People who sell veggies are grocer. Adele Cliff, comedian. Then they call me ugly and poor.". Do you want to get a drink? I heard you the first time! says a small, irritated voice. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. Shes been here six months. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment, instead? Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny], 9. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids Good players are hard to find. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? Here are the funniest court cases of all time! Theres a smartass quote for that. 101 Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember | Reader's Digest I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Those are the umlauts.Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased fathers things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. Then, it hit me. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. What are similar phrases like "You couldn't kick a tire - reddit ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life I steal food from humans. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners Ill never part with it!. A man tells his doctor, Help me. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? 55 Funny Food Jokes And Puns That Kids Will Relish - Fatherly 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Submitted by Tyler Meason, The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? I think my friend is dead! he yells. Funny Redneck Sayings and Quotes - Sayings Plus 10. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, Where do you get your mussels? The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, Cross-training?Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: Whats Edith Piafs favourite airline? 134 Likes, 22 Comments - Aidan (@diazaidanw) on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco outfits . I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. [Read: Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind]. Im having a going-out-of-fitness sale. @johnlyontweets, I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. She couldn't control her pupils. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes No, he responded. Dont worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal., 22. No, it doesnt. Yes, it does. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright, 33. How are you?, OK, says the first producer. Dont miss these bad jokes you cant help but laugh at. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} I cant stand this. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners 100+ Laugh Out Loud Chuck Norris Jokes | Thought Catalog The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. Finally, he hollers, Hey! The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. If you liked that joke, youll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. Making this distinction can help us make amends. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. No pun in 10 did. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: My friend and I arent able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am. Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. Good news, he said. Ten years go by and its one monks first chance. If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. How to be witty and win anyone over]. Next, he moves into the dining room. He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. He bit himself. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, Im wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked No Refills.Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? What are you doing? Counting your ribs.Submitted by William Halliday. Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. Start in England and drive west. What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. Yes, I said. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this.". Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. A nervous wreck. Honey, whats for supper?. What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. I started lusting, Father., Yes, says the priest, Lust is a dangerous sin., Theres more, says the man. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! Dont stick around for follow ups because youll lose the power. I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Hes now a seasoned veteran. ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO 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Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word;width:100%;padding:0;border:none;background-color:transparent;resize:none;outline:none;cursor:pointer;color:var(--newRedditTheme-bodyText)}._2JIiUcAdp9rIhjEbIjcuQ-{resize:none;cursor:auto}._2I2LpaEhGCzQ9inJMwliNO,._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{display:inline-block;margin-left:4px;vertical-align:middle}._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;margin-bottom:2px} 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes Im 49.95. When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, Yes, but how much with tax? Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. Have trouble making it to the punchline? One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. This Teen Pulled A Hilariously Cold "Knock Knock" Joke To Block A Guy Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. Why? How did you do it? he asked. I just couldnt do it anymore. Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! Submitted by Andre Batista. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Where are average things manufactured? I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. After a few moments, Bill says, Hurry up, Messy Bessy, we dont have all night. Jenna feels her cheeks flush and her eyes fill with tears. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)}
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